Living With An Alcoholic: The Hidden Truths

Anyone living with someone who has an alcohol addiction will know how harsh the challenges are and the detrimental behaviour they have to endure.

Alcoholism is a devastating illness and a condition that gradually leads to fatality when left untreated. Trying to help someone stop drinking can be an ongoing battle, causing arguments, abuse, violence, financial strain, legal issues and more, yet many family members and friends continue offering their support even when under great pressure themselves.

Observing someone under the influence of alcohol is a common sight today and is often looked upon as disgraceful or inappropriate behaviour, or it may be discarded and seen simply as a form of having fun. No matter how someone’s opinion of alcohol abuse is formed, the effects of a serious drinking problem can be extremely damaging to the people having to live with it, although, quite often, they are prepared to pretend nothing is wrong.

What goes on behind closed doors can be horrendous while the effects of alcohol take hold, and these hidden truths should emerge to help all those living with an alcoholic get tips on how to cope, discover the dos and don’ts, and know when to seek professional help.

The Challenges Of Living With An Alcoholic Spouse

Living with an alcoholic partner or spouse comes with serious consequences. Daily challenges are undeniably exhausting, especially when the individual struggling with alcohol use disorder is in denial and unable to accept they have a problem. Chronic alcohol use disorders are placed at the most severe end on the scale of substance disorders and are the most common conditions of addiction around the globe. 

Sadly, a person who develops an addiction has not sought the problem intentionally but rather has been taken over by the addictive powers of this popular substance. There are many reasons why a person finds solace in drink: to relax, socialise, or find comfort when under stress or anxiety. The immediate effects of alcohol can produce states of feeling happiness and relaxation, but this can diminish rapidly as alcohol is a depressant and can quickly make happiness turn into sadness when quantities reach a level that affects the brain’s correct function.

The scientific and medical jargon can be discussed at length about how alcohol affects the body and mental health, but at the end of the day, it is the person who behaves inappropriately when under the influence and the consequences of that behaviour affecting family or friends who are exposed to it is what matters.

Having to deal with an alcoholic spouse or partner daily can take its toll even on the most patient family member willing to offer their support, but the reality is that most people having to cope with an alcoholic spouse are not aware of the condition and nature of such an insidious ailment. Showing care and love towards their partner is expected to be reciprocal, believing that their addicted spouse will stop drinking if they are truly loved. The truth is that any chronic alcohol disorder leads the individual only to believe in obtaining the substance they need and will reject any form of help or intervention if they think they will be denied of their habit.

Bluntly, an alcohol addict will not accept help or even want to stop their habit until the rock bottom point is reached. This is the crisis point when all steps have been used in vain and treatment options become limited other than seeking professional help. 

Most alcohol-related problems end up in heated arguments, verbal abuse, or domestic violence. Extreme incidents can lead to family breakdowns, divorce, child custody, imprisonment, mental impairment, and even suicide. Understanding alcoholism and how it affects a person, knowing how to engage in conversation, and avoiding the temptation of enabling addiction are positive strategies when dealing with an alcoholic partner.

Why Do Families Put Up With Alcohol Addiction?

When a family member is diagnosed with an illness such as cancer or heart disease as an example, everyone rallies around to give support yet when a person has developed alcoholism, a disease in itself, there is more reluctance to offer care and support due to the lack of understanding of this common disease. The stigma surrounding alcoholism and substance abuse is so very much still embedded in the minds of many believing it is self-inflicted, related to poverty and social dropouts. How far from the truth this is in reality. 

The world has moved on but what remains is clear when it comes to alcohol addiction. Let’s not forget, that alcohol has been around for some considerable time and even before learning about its negative effects, it was used primarily for aiding health issues and has been a part of our society through the ages. Wondering about the effects of overdrinking and addiction in medieval times can only be seen as dreadful and how one would have endured such ordeals.

Today, we are aware and informed about alcoholism and have experts who can help. Their expertise can undoubtedly assist in overcoming this devastating condition yet families still resist and prefer to use measures that more than often cause more harm than good.

Should a neighbour repeatedly come home drunk, it may be considered as a typical scenario and nobody seems concerned so long as they are not directly affected. What may occur behind the scenes is also of no concern if not disturbed. However, what could be happening may be inappropriate behaviour or acts of domestic violence silenced by a family member not admitting to being a victim of alcohol abuse.

The reason for taking a passive reaction is that most people living with an alcoholic partner tend to cover up their partner’s actions and give excuses for untoward behaviour believing that they will change. They think that people will forget about any incident and that their addicted partner or spouse will eventually demonstrate their love, compassion and understanding, change their habits and the relationship continues to be healthy. Unfortunately, an alcoholic only loves, understands and is passionate about obtaining alcohol and will use every resource available to feed the addiction.

Breaking up a family or relationship is a tragic matter and not to be taken lightly. Women with children are more vulnerable to sustaining a spouse addicted to alcohol and tend to be more susceptible to believing in false commitments even after several attempts to help find treatment.  

A family can experience intense relationships due to alcohol and many victims are afraid or financially unable to break away from their nightmare of living with an alcoholic partner.

How To Understand An Alcoholic Partner

Understanding what alcohol can do and the damage it can cause to health can help work out what an addict may be experiencing.

The more one finds out, the easier it becomes to talk about the problem. It should be remembered that alcoholism is a disease and needs treatment like any other condition, the difference being that the person addicted will deny they have a problem, making it harder to get them to agree to seek help.

It has been proven that addiction can be developed through underlying mental health conditions such as anxiety, trauma, or depression, which may be the root cause of drinking the way they do.

A person who abuses alcohol can feel isolated or rejected as they find preference in shutting themselves away or may feel ashamed of their habit while unable to stop.  A functioning alcoholic is capable of carrying out responsibilities such as work and can maintain a relationship, although they have a dependency on alcohol.

They may appear to act appropriately but need alcohol to manage stress and emotions, or consumption may just be a habit. These individuals are still at risk of damaging their health and should get professional help for their substance use even though they may be less likely to agree to it.

If you have an alcoholic parent, you may find the challenges more difficult, and depending on how young you are, taking steps to address the matter alone could be too overwhelming. If you’re living in an unsafe situation, you should seek immediate emergency help or contact organisations such as alcoholics anonymous, CRISIS, or a healthcare provider.

What Not To Do When Living With An Alcoholic Partner

As the saying goes, sometimes it is kind to be cruel, and this can apply to many aspects related to someone with a drinking problem.

You mustn’t enable an alcoholic as this can make matters worse. Some things you should not do are:

Do not enable their consumption. This means you should never buy them alcohol or give them money to buy it. Do not take them for a drink or drink alcoholic beverages with them.

Do not cover up their actions. Do not lie or make excuses to save them from the consequences of their behaviour or intervene. This means reporting them to the police if you know they are involved in risky activities such as drunk driving or breaking laws. You should not be their protector or have to pick up the pieces.

Do not tolerate bad behaviour. Any form of aggression or violence is not tolerable. Do not let them manipulate you or threaten you in any way.

Do not suffer in silence. Preferably you should not be alone whilst living with a person who can become aggressive. You should never sacrifice your well-being for the other person’s, no matter how they try to burden you.

Do not ignore the fact that there is a problem. Sometimes, it is easier to turn a blind eye rather than face the truth. Don’t forgive them for inappropriate behaviour that is damaging your family and your relationship. Let them know there is a problem and the consequences.

Do not make threats or hand out half-hearted ultimatums. Unless you are prepared to follow them through, the addict will ignore them. Do not waste your breath on placing boundaries if you are going to back down, as they will not keep them. Don’t plead for them to stop drinking by promising you will do something if they do something.

Do not deny access to alcohol if they are heavily addicted. A sudden stop can cause life-threatening withdrawal symptoms, without alcohol in the system there are severe health risks that could very well lead to hospitalization. Hiding alcohol or pouring it down the sink has little effect as they will only purchase more and may provoke aggressive behaviour.

Do not blame yourself. You must not take on the responsibility for their actions or for trying to make them well. You can only do what you can do. You should not refuse professional help or treatment. Above all, you should not put yourself at any risk of harm.

Useful Tips For Dealing With Alcoholism

Remember that someone with an alcohol problem is a sick person, but you cannot get them to stop drinking, and the condition is not your fault in any way.

Living with an alcoholic husband or wife can be a heavy strain when trying to help a loved one, especially when they are constantly in denial of the problem.

You should take care of your own health and wellbeing and ensure you are safe as well as the safety of any children. Talk to friends and other family members who will support you and don’t be afraid to seek professional support.

Try to find some time for yourself instead of responding to the needs of the alcoholic and do activities that can boost your self-esteem. Learn more about the condition so you understand it and can pass on some information relating to your loved one’s illness to your loved one.

Be kind to yourself, try to detach from your opinions, and avoid blaming yourself emotionally. If you feel overwhelmed in any way, walk away from the situation.

Coping Strategies For Helping An Alcoholic

The most effective way of dealing with substance use disorders is through receiving professional treatment to address the condition. It’s easier said than done when you’re living with an alcoholic who refuses to get help. 

You may consider talking to your partner about their alcohol intake, but be prepared that an alcoholic in denial may go along with your suggestions but will not necessarily take them on board and, more probably, will reject any help and advice.

As a first step, choose a time and place without distractions and always wait until they are sober. Help them to understand their condition and how it affects you, friends and family members.  The conversation should not be one-sided but should encourage them to speak allowing opinions and feelings to be openly and honestly described.

You may want to write down the points you need to address before confronting someone you love and ensure your own physical and mental health is in good stead before attempting such a delicate conversation.

Some of the concerns you can address could be the following:

• Refuse to make excuses for their drinking and inappropriate behaviour. Explain that you will not cover up or lie when their actions have a negative consequence as mild as it may appear.
• Make sure they are aware of how much damage is caused within the relationship and how children or other family members are being affected.
• Set clear boundaries that your partner may respect as to what is and isn’t acceptable. This could be refraining from drinking alcohol in the house or finding their means of funding their habit as examples.
• Remind them of any broken promises or lies and let them know this is unacceptable behaviour.
• Be prepared to take drastic measures and offer an ultimatum to either change or separate from the relationship. This should focus on getting appropriate treatment and must be followed through with a determined attitude for it to be effective.

Any conversational confrontation should be carried out in a calm and relaxed way without making accusations, shouting, or engaging in verbal abuse, as this will have no effect, and the individual will be less likely to listen to ways of controlling their drinking.

When The Effects Of Living Become Overwhelming

Most often, self-help is not enough, especially when faced with alcohol or drug use. When you love someone, it is only natural to give your very best care and support to help them recover, but unlike other illnesses, substance addiction is not straightforward, and for many people living with a person suffering from such a condition, it becomes too much to tolerate.

The breaking point is when a professional alcohol intervention becomes a necessity to help you cope and may be a successful way to convince an alcoholic to accept alcohol addiction treatment.

You should never have to feel that you are alone or the only person in the world going through such an ordeal. Alcohol is the most addictive substance in our society today, and even with campaigns for drink awareness and health concerns, people will continue to drink, and many will become addicted.

You need to accept that a successful recovery from alcohol addiction requires professional treatment. There is no other way. Taking steps to help someone you love to agree to find a solution takes a lot of compassion, empathy, and dedication. Never underestimate how important your support is.

Finding Alcohol Addiction Treatment

PROMIS is a UK-based rehabilitation centre with two facilities located in London and Kent. They specialise in alcohol and substance use disorders linking mental health issues through dual diagnosis treatment. 

With decades of experience, PROMIS provides effective evidence-based treatments to help addicts overcome their problems and remain sober by implementing techniques and coping strategies to avoid triggers, urges, or situations that could lead to relapse. Identifying underlying mental health issues can often determine the reason for developing an addiction and can be treated simultaneously.

Families and friends who find themselves at their limits are welcome to contact us for guidance on our treatment options and may want to consider our compassionate approach to resolving the turmoil of alcoholism of someone you live with.

We are dedicated to assisting and helping you cope to make every person’s life healthier, happier, and with a much brighter future.